When a mental health term used by psychotherapists and counselors crosses over into mainstream culture, I often have mixed feelings. First, a bit of surprise and delight that people outside the field are learning about terms and ideas and applying it to their lives. Secondly, some dismay and frustration at how the word gets used, misunderstood and even changed without acknowledgment. One of those words, which has actually been used for years and in a lot of ways is already almost unrecognizable is “triggered”.
What does “triggered” actually mean?
Triggered in its simplest form is something that elicits a reaction but in the world of mental health is often when a person with a past experience of trauma (potentially with a diagnosis of PTSD but not necessarily) has a painful and overwhelming sensory and emotional reaction to something that they experience in the moment. As a therapist, I think this is an incredibly helpful piece of information for someone to have about themselves. It can make sense of strong reactions that don’t fit the current situation and even help the person ground in reality.
An example:
You are meeting a friend for dinner and she was late. You feel yourself shift from annoyance to seething,-thinking about how rude and inconsiderate she was to be late and make you wait for her. Maybe you want to yell at her, maybe you want to punch her in the face, maybe you want to storm off. This friend, who you love, suddenly became the cause of all your pain.
And then you stop and think. You remember how your mom would pick you up late from school or forget you were at a friend's house and you’d have to call her to pick you up. It made you feel unimportant and abandoned. You were never really able to talk about it, but to this day, people being late feels like they have forgotten you. It’s at this moment that you know you are not only upset, but you are triggered.
Sometimes knowing that is enough to let the feeling pass through your body. When your friend arrives, you can believe her lateness was an accident and enjoy the dinner.
Or maybe that’s not enough. Maybe you need to talk to your about it. This is where I think the internet gets it wrong. If you use this information to tell your friend how rude she is and make her take responsibility for the full scope of your pain, then you are misunderstanding the concept. You are forgetting that like all dynamics, to be “triggered” is an intersubjective act (occurs and is co-created by at least two people) and that you are bringing something to the dynamic.
If you fully understand the meaning of triggered then the conversation may go differently. You will tell your friend you are aware you have a sensitivity to people being late and that if there is a way to better communicate about delays when meeting up you’d appreciate it (if it’s a pattern). Sharing responsibility in the problem and the solution increases the chance that your friend will be responsive. And if the behavior does not change, you have a choice about if you accept it or let go of the relationship. This is a simple example of being triggered.
Although each dynamic is co-created, the engagement is not always symmetrical and power differentials can impact the level of responsibility each party owns. An example of that may be when a professor misgenders a student repeatedly. Although as an older millennial I can imagine how a professor in the field for years may struggle with the new way of acknowledging student identities I also recognize their power in the dynamic. As an authority figure the language they use with their students shapes the quality of all of the interactions. A classroom is not supposed to be a baptism by fire but rather a chance to incubate developing identities and instill confidence. After all, it is an arranged marriage in a sense. If possible I think it is always an interesting experiment to try to imagine a story about the other person’s behavior that is about their own history. A student being triggered here may want to think about their professor’s point of view as a coping mechanism, but they also have a right to ask for accountability and change from their superior.
Triggered is a word and concept that has a very important place in psychotherapy and in understanding a patient’s history, family dynamics, current relationships and relationship with the world. Outside of the therapy room, it often takes on a different connotation. Words change with use and with the cultural zeitgeist, (I’m still lamenting the acceptance of “literal” to mean “figurative”), and I don’t aim to police that. But when shifts happen to frequently used words, it’s important to acknowledge it. For many years, “triggered” has become closer to the word “upset” , a somewhat vague feeling word. It implies the other has wounded us and needs to apologize. It feels closer to “verbally assaulted” or “wounded”. These are important concepts and extremely common experiences and at times to use the word “triggered” actually undermines the ability to acknowledge an actual abuse. The shift in the connotation makes it an easy target for humor and mockery, connecting it to politically infused words like “snowflake” and “entitled”.
Being thoughtful and intentional in our language choice when discussing feelings is important as it increases the likelihood that we will be understood and responded to in a way that feels validating.